Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Lol #dogsoftwitter
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Help Wanted
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*