Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
You Might Also Like
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
back to work
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade