must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
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Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
what it’s like dating me:
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking