if a cop pulls u over play dead
You Might Also Like
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Blew out my flip flop…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted