Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
You Might Also Like
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”