hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does