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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life