THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
best first i’ve ever seen
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.