Is your wife single?
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I am having an out of money experience.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense