me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*