[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
hmm conte-me mais
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?