[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.