Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
how to have an accident 101
new year update: losing everything but weight
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.