The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Canada has crack?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.