i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.