Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.