[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!