Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
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i will not be silenced
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?