HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?