The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
new career option?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.