Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
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I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
This is my pinned tweet
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.