This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.