My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.