I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.