Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
You Might Also Like
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Can. I. Help. You.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit