Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*