[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.