Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring