Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
#ParentingFacts
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Boom, boom, ching!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now