me when I see my crush
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Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
This a good idea
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?