REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.