“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Batman v Dracula
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]