My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
subtitles are so good nowadays
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him