I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
You Might Also Like
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old