[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
You Might Also Like
is it earth
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”