When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
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The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question