I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.