Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
One of the best
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I ate everything, including the H.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.