If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
You Might Also Like
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*