wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I might carry a baby with one hand.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo