I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
what are they serving at kfc then???
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle