I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
How wrong was this guy?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”