I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*