#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep