Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
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Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
rich people when they have to pay taxes
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I think I’ll stand
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.