Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
🙂🙃🥹
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )