Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Guilty! 🤪
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.