Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.