I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?