*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
It has been 3 years since Monday.